life is so hard

ughhh...its like i cant balance anything..if one part of my life is going great the other falls to peices and its just so hard and im trying, i really am trying, beleive me but theres nothing i can do
im not a great fixer
no one calls me when they need things to be fixed. Lately i feel like im the person people call when they need everything screwed up
it hurts too
it hurts alot...
i hate that i joke about people not being able to trust me because sometimes (although humor is my favorite thing in the world) i feel that i use it to cover up parts of myself that on one knows about and i cant stop because im afraid of showing people the real me
i hate thinking about people judging me and i hate that im incredibly self-conscious but i know that im also constantly judging too and i cant stop because im surrounded by this idea that whatever people think about you is what you are...i really hate that

well im gonna lay down the truth once and for all kids...r u ready??

ok guys...im gonna try and be brave like tillybear and tell you what is actually going on with me and...BOYS!
well ya see right now i sort of feel like im making up boys to like because i just want to like someone so badly. but i think im really not fooling myself with this whole charade (hold the phone kids i have to check if i spelled that right haha)....o wow how smart do i feel! sorry haha. Anyways where was i...o yeah, because i know that when i do like a boy that much i get this feeling for that person that is killer. I HATE IT but i love it at the same time if that makes any sense at all. but i dont really feel like that for anyone right now despite the fact that i wish i did. i hope my parents arent lying to me about this whole "oh it will happen someday u just have to wait" thing because im getting pretty sick of waiting...ok now i sound like a bitch
but so i just have to stop all this wishing...and caring which (believe me i know) is pretty much impossible.
by the way i know i should be more excited about this news but im not but here it is...i got a flip phone!
and 4 some odd reason i miss the old clunky blue one that i tried throwing up against the wall countless times to break it but it never worked...dad got me the extra durable lol
but ya so clunky blue if u could read id want u to know that i love you and ull never be replaced...well maybe in a few hours ill forget but until then just know my thought are with u dude and thanks for being sooo durable and still working after that rain storm haha good times
and now...boredom takes over and i wait for the prince i ordered...where the fuck is he anyway haha
...ya ive def lost it and yet im not stopping writing because im on a rolllllll boys and girls
ok ill put u outta ur misery
CALL ME GODDAMNIT!!!

duddddddde this suckkkkkks

oh my god im soooooo borrred haha
i need a boyfriend or a puppy...and i think a boyfriend is what i want lol because i dont think gina is going to allow me to get a puppy
GODDAMNIT
by the way...I MISSS MY TILLYBEAR!!!!
so what do i do?...what do i do?...i go watch garden state thats what haha

this is never going to work

its just not going to




i dont know where i belong anymore

none of this feels right

and the hardest thing to accept

is that i cant do anything

its like im on the outside looking in

i want to re arrange some peices

but i cant

thats not the way life works...its not a game

theres no do-overs in life

theres no take-backs

you let go and its gone
in an instant...its gone

Today was a bad day. What is it about getting so many bad grades that makes you want to give up on life? I feel like these grades are shaping my future and I don't like that feeling even though they kinda are...(fuuuuck). i hate the way everything starts piling up and i cant catch up and it all falls apart. The whole base that ive built for myself to fall back on seems all used up and now ive got nothing but english on my side. why do i have to learn math? why cant i focus on english and history and leave out all the science. I suck at math and science and theres nothing i can do about it, even the tutoring for math doesnt seem to be doing much!
and all i wanna do is escape for a while. an my only escape from it all is players. oh and ben folds who of course provides an immediate escape when ever i need it haha.
anyways so yeah today my tutor says
"oh u can miss one day of sets to learn some math, cant u?"
im like "uhhhh NOOOOO, r u trying to kill me...r u insannnne??...i mean yeah of course i can"
ugggghhhhh

growing up

im really scared for the future. I feel like everything is going way too fast and i cant stop it. i want to rewind it and just look around and remember it all. because everythings changing and everyones leaving or getting ready to leave. i miss the old things that i took for granted, because now i would do anything to get those things back. I miss my brother and my cousins. i miss things before they got so complicated with my friends. I want my friends to stop worrying me so much because i hate worrying about them. but most of all i want to hang out with all of them like we used to...without the akwardness and without the tension. i want to LAUGH for hours because of the dumbest joke or story. i wanna just be. i just need it all to be okay again...thats what i need.
well im off to birdies birthday celebration!
love,
iz

Goddamnit...Lionel and I got in a fight and i feel really bad. Sometimes i take out my anger about other stuff on him and its horrible because half the time i dont even realize that im doing it. The truth is... i have 2 of the greatest brothers anyone could ask for. we have this bond, the tree of us, thats incredible. Its kind of like when you have a friend that you feel completly comfortable with and you just love them so much. Thats how it is with me, lionel and tillybear. When tillman went off to college i cried for so long because i felt like none of it felt right without him and until i knew he was okay out there on his own, i wouldnt be okay. I still cant believe he is in college. i feel like my life is going so fast and sometimes i just want it all to slow down so i can actually have a moment where im not worrying that it will be over soon...you know what i mean? Anyways ommmm so yeah today we went on our block project field trip and it sucked...thats gonna be a bitch and a half!

sooo cool

Hey guys!...This is sooo cool that you are actually going to see this!
haha...Sorry I'm a little new at this whole blog thing but I think I like it!
Anyway its pretty late and I need to do my chem lab so ill write more later.

Super Cool

This is a blog post by Ellie, for Iz, who was basically tied down and forced to make a blog because she needed to jump on the bandwagon in Ellie's opinion.

Oops, hang on... Iz would like to contribute to the post:

"Hey guys!"

"Is there anything else you want to say, Iz?"
"Well, you can incorporate that I don't like Mr. Becker. He reminds me of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. I love that movie."

...and I think that just about wraps up this entry.

Chances are that this will not be a frequent spot for Iz... but hey- it was worth a shot!

Love, Iz... sort of.